How can I balance discipline with love? How can I be firm with my child without going over the limit?
When I was a kid, it was common for parents to cane their kids and some even do nasty things like make their children kneel on painful objects whilst pulling their own ears. My mom used to pinch us to make us remember the pain we suffer for misbehaving. She didn't have to do it very often. Just a couple of times and we had it drilled in us. Misbehaving leads to pinching, pinching leads to pain, pain leads to fear of more pain.
To quote Yoda: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
Was I fearful of my mom and was I angry with her and hated her as a result of that fear? Did I suffer in the long run? I think at that moment, I was angry with my mom. I was angry that she pinched me. I was angry that I had to behave myself by her standards and couldn't have fun in the supermarket. When I grew up, that anger turned into understanding and that understanding became love. Love knowing that she made a lot of sacrifices bringing us up on a budget. Understanding that physical pain was the only way she knew how to discipline her children because that was the only way she grew up with and knew by experience.
Would I do the same to my children? Only on a limited basis. When Xavier was a toddler, he was mischievous and could throw monstrous tantrums. When he came to the age where he could communicate and understand our verbal instructions, about 1.5 yrs old, the cane came into play on a couple of occasions. And I mean a couple, not more. He was caned once for repeatedly playing with the electrical socket despite several continuous warnings from us. He was also caned once for throwing a tantrum even though he was in the wrong and we kept asking him to stop crying. It broke my heart that he howled with pain after the cane landed on his calf. After he calmed down, we explained why he was caned. From then on, he remembered that he couldn't touch the socket and he tries very hard to remember not to throw tantrums. When he forgets, we bring out the cane. Then he remembers, without us having to cane him. Most times, caning the sofa will bring back his memories of pain suffered when he was young.
With Keane, I find that it's a very different story, simply because Keane has a high threshold for pain. He has been caned a few times but he doesn't seem to feel the pain. That doesn't stop him from howling when we cane him. But his cries can stop on and start on demand. He will stop immediately when he notices something interesting on TV and then starts again when commercials come on. We suspect he's manipulative and cry to get sympathy. I tried sparing the rod with him and I think it works better although my hubby would beg to differ. I praise Keane for doing good things. I can see that he is more willing to listen when he is praised. Of course, he manipulates me more since I'm the softie. He makes me give him goodies. He makes me take out toys from out of reach places for him more often than the other adults in the family. Would he learn the hard way or the easy way? I have no answer till today because he is still misbehaving sometimes. He has shown tremendous improvement in discipline and that in itself is good enough for me.
How should I handle Ryan? I have no idea and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Am I a bad parent? I don't know and I won't judge myself.
Quote for the week:
A person is like a book, he shouldn't be judged by its cover and you should read it cover to cover before making any review.
No comments:
Post a Comment