Reflection

This is the 4th week that I've stayed home to look after Ryan. This month has been arduous. Xavier caught a virus and had high fever a couple of weeks ago. Last week Keane was suspected to have chicken pox but was actually down with a virus similar to Xavier's with high fever. Ryan's wound never seemed to heal. My patience has been tested frequently this month. Fortunately I have an understanding boss and he allowed me to take leave to stay home. He never pushed me to go back to office either stating that taking care of the kids was important. But I long to return to office. Not only do I have projects pending for my return, I also find that I am beginning to slack a little at home.

Today I gave my blog address to my long time friend and asked for his comment. He said it was a refreshing read and reminded me that it wasn't important who or how many people read my blog. Most importantly I have an outlet for my piteous creativity and hopefully share my experiences with interested readers. Thanks to Gabriel for your motivation!

I had a lot of thoughts over the last month and cannot wait to share them. I'll do it in chronological order continuing with the hospital experience. I am amazed at how inconsiderate people can be, being noisy without considering patients sleeping in the same room. At the same time, I am amazed at how much love people like nurses and doctors can show strangers in need of care and comfort. The world is beautiful and amazing. I don't understand how it works and I probably never will. But whilst I am in it, I will do what I can to keep the good going.

I learned that we all take things for granted and we need to wake up. The good days can only last so long and it is imperative to make the best use of the days given to us. I may not be around for my children as long as I wish I could but during the time that I can, I have to do my best for their good, not mine.

Something that caught my attention this month was the AWARE saga. I'm sure most Singaporeans are aware of what happened at AWARE so I won't go into too much details. If you want to know, google "AWARE saga" and you'll get as much as you need. My thoughts on the AWARE saga is probably similar to some people but my cynical outlook and too much CSI gives me too paranoid a view on it. I think it's all a scam and a whole load of overhype. If the old guard claims to be inclusive, why can they not accept the new team and allow them a chance to take office for a year and if the new team does a poor job, then re-elect themselves. Was the new team familiar enough with where the organization was heading before deciding that AWARE was diverting from its original objectives? After all the happenings, AWARE had a surge in membership. So was the whole event a publicity stunt? I wouldn't put it past the organization - this is my CSI mind speaking about conspiracy theories.

A heartening thing to observe is that Singaporeans are more vocal nowadays and more open. Is being open going against our traditional values? It is personal and subjective. Some of the comments made by the various parties involved and observers seemed to be self-contradictory to me. The whole focus seemed to be on sexuality education issue and how a team of women seemed to have manoveured themselves into the exco within the constitution. Sour grapes and sore losers to the old guard - the new team rightly said that if they were really keen and interested in what was happening at AWARE, the coup wouldn't have happened. It was a rightful wake up call for the old guard in my opinion. They took too many things for granted. It seemed like a "don't fix it if it is not spoiled" situation resulting in dwindling memberships and less public awareness of the organization and its objectives. Of couse, on the other side of the coin, the new team could have started their own organization if they were really interested in contributing to society and didn't agree with what AWARE was doing. Furthermore, the team of well educated and matured ladies should have considered the consequence of bringing in a religious take into the situation whether intentionally or not. People are definitely going to cry foul, especially in a mutli-racial, multi-religious country like ours.

At the end of the day both camps emerged from the scene in a cordial manner. The winners because they think they have made a point and won. The losers to hang on to any shred of dignity they had left. I salute the team of ladies who braved the situation, taking in criticisms in all forms and manner and left holding their heads held high. But I also think that they could have carried out their intentions in a better manner but it's always easier to speak with hindsight. I say we should live and let live and learn how to agree to disagree. I'm sure that the lesson learnt will bring about changes to AWARE's constitution to protect the core group's interest in AWARE. I'd like to thank everyone involved in the saga and the journalists who gave fantastic coverage for giving me a great learning opportunity.

Interesting lyrics from the theme song for TV8 series currently airing at 9pm on weekdays:
每个人都不普通...每个人都不同 translates to everyone is not ordinary, everyone is different.

HORRORS!!!

The past 2 days were quite distressing and one of the most harrowing experience I ever went through as a mother. I want to share my experience and my thoughts on what I witnessed over the past 2 days.

My baby Ryan was sick for a couple of days. He had a fever that wouldn't go away and persisted between 38 to 39 deg celsius. I brought him to the GP on Friday and got some medicine to cure the sypmtoms. On Saturday afternoon, my helper noticed a bump near his anal region which looked like a boil. We got a bit worried but thought it was due to heatiness. (Heatiness being a condition which Chinese believe happens when one has consumed too much food said to be heaty in nature, causing the body to react defensively). Nevertheless, we brought him back to the GP who inspected the boil and immediately diagnosed it as an abscess. I had no clue what an abscess was and thought it was just a normal boil resulting from some viral infection.

The GP wrote a letter of referral for KK Hospital and we sent Ryan there. After some waiting, it was explained to us that he had an abscess which was a result of infection and there was a canal of infection leading from his anus to the "boil". And the "boil" had to be cut to drain out the pus. Technically, Ryan needed what was known medically as "Incision and drainage of periannal abscess, keep in view fulislotomy". Fulislotomy referred to removal of the canal between the anus and the abscess. At first the doctor who examined him in the emergency department said that they probably could operate on him at 1am, the earliest possible after a fast of 6 hours.

Ryan had to be moved around on Saturday night from the pre-screening to the waiting room and then to admissions and to the ward. At the ward, he was very tired and sleepy but he could only sleep in fits as he was woken by the surgeons visiting him for check up. It was then decided that it wasn't fair for him to go for an op after 12 midnight so he was scheduled for 7am the next morning. He also needed an x-ray because he had a bad case of cough with phlegm and slight runny nose. Since he needed to fast for 6 hours before the op, he needed to take one last feed before 1am otherwise his body might not be able to take the long bout without sustenance.


Much to my dismay Ryan refused to drink milk at 12am even though it was 4 hours since his last drink. I tried very hard to hoax him but no means no and he is one strong baby who was bent on going to sleep as he was very exhausted. So I resorted to using the syringe to force feed him. I managed only 2oz of milk and he just slept in protest. After consulting the nurses, it was decided that he needed a drink of glucose by 3am to have the sustenance. Any later and he may face complications if he vomits during surgery. I tried to feed him at 3am and faced the same resistance. For an exhausted baby, he had a lot of fight in him. Out came the syringe and this time it was another 2oz of glucose water before he slept in protest again.

I was helpless and all I could do was pray that my baby's body was strong enough to carry him through the long hours ahead.

At about 7am we headed down to the operation theatre. I carried him to the changing room. I put on a smock and changed my slippers while he was checked by the anaesthetist. Ryan had to undergo general anaesthesia because it is difficult to handle fussy babies unlike adults who can control themselves and can do with just local anaesthesia for such an operation. Due to his phlegm they told me he would be put on a high dependency bed after the operation for observation in case complications arose. If his airwaves are sensitive to the anaesthesia, then he might have asthma or pneumonia. That scared the hell out of me.

I carried him into the operation theatre and we sat down. The nurse distracted him with bubbles while the anaesthetists started to find a vein to insert the tube for the anaesthetic to be fed. His hands were too chubby and they failed. So they decided to have him breathe in the anaesthetic. A few breathes and Ryan was knocked out. I was then ushered out of the room. What seemed like the longest wait I had to go through began. The operation was supposed to take only 10 mins as it was a simple procedure. However I waited for 30 minutes. Each time the door to the operation theatre opened, my heart skipped a bit. No smiles from the staff walking in and out. That looked ominous to me. I prayed and asked for God to protect my son.

After what seemed like eternity, the door opened and I heard my baby's cry. Ryan was already awake and looking for me! I ran to him and carried him up. The crying stopped immediately. They told me that he was fine and I could bring him up to the ward. I brought him up to the ward and he looked very dazed. He fell asleep soon. Throughout the morning he drifted in and out of sleep for his medicine and milk. His temperature had gone back to normal once the abscess was removed. That was a relief. By the afternoon he was more active. Although he refused porridge he took milk.

After his first poop, the nurses showed me how to clean his wound and my knees went weak. They removed his dressing and pulled out a woolly thread which was inserted through the fistula. That hurt like hell and Ryan wailed as loudly as his lungs allowed. The worst is yet to come. The nurse parted his wound and stuck a syringe into the opening and injected saline inside for cleansing. That brought on another string of wails from Ryan. I was informed that I had to do this for him each time he pooped until the wound closes by itself. I was a little dazed after that. Apparently they need to make sure that I could clean the wound independently before they discharge him.

That night, he had major pains in his gums because he was teething. I carried him for at least 2 hours, trying to make him go to sleep while he wailed non-stop. After almost 3 hours, he started to fall asleep out of exhaustion but was still grumbling about the pain. I asked the staff nurse for help. She gave him some gel to apply on his gums and my baby slept like an angel. I was exhausted. It is no easy feat to carry a 10kg baby and rock him for 2 hours. I could almost feel my biceps and triceps developing! It was such a relief to lie down on the makeshift bed. I couldn't move. Fortunately the staff nurse was very kind and when Ryan started grumbling again at 2am she carried him out and applied the gel on his gums again. Then he fell asleep quite fast. I was too tired to move. Thank God for the angel he sent.

The next morning Ryan was back to his active and cheeky self. Then he pooped. Here goes nothing, I told myself. So I was pretty gungho about it. Told the nurse that I needed someone to help me wash his wound. I just did it and ignored his piteous wails during the process. It's for his own good, it's for his own good, I repeated to myself. Ok, I was exaggerating. Someone's got to do it so I better take up the job. I don't think my hubby will have the time to do it. My maid will probably tremble - she can't stand the sight of blood so I think she might not take to this easily. Ryan seemed to think that I needed the practice and pooped twice more before discharge time!

Fortunately the doctors did their rounds and certified him ready to be discharged. We happily brought him home along with 2 courses of antibiotics, a bottle of paracetamol and 24 tubes of saline.

Xavier, the eldest, saw me washing the wound and said "Let me help you hold him". He said that it must be very painful. Keane simply went "OH NO!" and scuttled away before anyone could try something similar on him.

Children are indeed extremely resilient creatures. Ryan would stop wailing immediately after the cleansing and cling on to me for dear life, sobbing a little. After 5 minutes, he would be back to his usual self.

Thank God everything went smoothly and my baby was safe.

Quote for the week:

Bravery comes in many forms......survival is one of them.

I had a realization today.....I am paying for mistakes that I made previously.

The important thing is not the price I had to pay but for me to learn from my mistakes and not pay for the same mistake twice.

What say you?

I am obviously a poor blogger with absolutely no consistency whatsoever.
I won't make any excuse for myself as it is not critical.
I have been extremely busy with work since last month. Any spare time I had was spent with my family and kids as well as catching up with my reading.
I'm currently reading Lee Kuan Yew's memoirs. I'm only beginning with book 1 which I abandoned halfway during my first attempt. I hope I can finish book 1 before the end of this year. No more ambitious targets for me.
The situation in Thailand makes me feel extremely thankful that I am a Singaporean citizen living in Singapore. Kudos to our government for making Singapore what it is today. And no, this feeling is not because I am reading the LKY memoirs. I've always felt grateful that I live in Singapore and proud that I am Singaporean. Security is something dear to my heart, even more so when I have a precious family.
I am contented to have what I have. I am not a billionaire, I'm not even what one can call financially free. I try to provide for my family as best as I can and I stretch myself a little bit financially. I don't go for holidays overseas, I don't carry branded handbags, and I don't wear branded clothes. My indulgence would be books and food. Food indulgence means meals in family restaurants, chocolates and ice-cream. Do I live for my family only? More or less. What is ME? Who am I? What happened to my own existence?
I find myself in books. I find myself at work. I find myself in my children. I find myself when I'm driving. I spend time with myself contemplating. Do I ignore my children sometimes? Yes I do. I try to find time for myself whenever I can. I think it is important to keep a balance. Am I good at keeping a balance? I don't know. I will only know when I die and people give their eulogy of myself, if they even bother with it. I hope that someone will. Otherwise I would have lived for nothing.
Sometimes I wonder what I would like my family to do after I die. What kind of wake should they arrange? What kind of funeral? I am a Roman Catholic. My husband's a Buddhist/Taoist (I'm confused). Will he know what to do when I die? I have no clue but I hope for the best. Does it matter what kind of funeral I'm given? I doubt. Seriously, I'm dead. What difference does it make? It might be easier for the people I left behind to pay their respects to me. I don't know if I will be there to witness it or not. If I didn't leave when I am at peace with myself, I would probably hang around grumbling about what people are doing about my death. If I'm at peace with myself, I'd probably go to purgatory to pray and repent for my sins. If I've lived my life fully, I might convince God to let me go to Heaven. I don't know. Do I have no faith? Not really. I just have a different look about religion. God exists in different forms to different people. My God is Lord of Heaven. My husband doesn't believe in God, he believes we will continue the cycle of live and be reincarnated until we break free or achieve nirvana. How can I reconcile our differences? I don't reconcile the differences, I draw the similarities. Both our religions teach us to be good, respectful, loving, kind, patient, etc, etc. I want us to live our lives to the fullest and end up where we both want to be after our deaths. I want to go to Heaven. He wants to achieve Nirvana and....end up in Heaven? I don't know. Nirvana's similar to Heaven isn't it? Maybe I'm wrong and will draw a lot of flak from anyone who's even bothered to read my blog. Look at the big picture. I mean purgatory's where we have to repent till our sins are forgiven. It's like going though life cycle after life cycle until we can achieve nirvana or freedom from karma. That's similar to being free from sins.
What will I do about my children? What about their religion? I am leaving it up to them. But I will show them my religion through my actions. Through loving kindness. Through patience. Through charity. Will they choose to become Roman Catholics? I pray so. If they don't, I won't force them. I won't hold it against them. As long as they follow an orthodox religion, I will support them. Just like my parents supported me. My parents are Taoists. They attended my baptism ceremony. They gave me my freedom just like I will give my children theirs.
Why am I so reflective? It's kind of late. But better than never.
Till then......be yourself.