How can I balance discipline with love? How can I be firm with my child without going over the limit?
When I was a kid, it was common for parents to cane their kids and some even do nasty things like make their children kneel on painful objects whilst pulling their own ears. My mom used to pinch us to make us remember the pain we suffer for misbehaving. She didn't have to do it very often. Just a couple of times and we had it drilled in us. Misbehaving leads to pinching, pinching leads to pain, pain leads to fear of more pain.
To quote Yoda: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
Was I fearful of my mom and was I angry with her and hated her as a result of that fear? Did I suffer in the long run? I think at that moment, I was angry with my mom. I was angry that she pinched me. I was angry that I had to behave myself by her standards and couldn't have fun in the supermarket. When I grew up, that anger turned into understanding and that understanding became love. Love knowing that she made a lot of sacrifices bringing us up on a budget. Understanding that physical pain was the only way she knew how to discipline her children because that was the only way she grew up with and knew by experience.
Would I do the same to my children? Only on a limited basis. When Xavier was a toddler, he was mischievous and could throw monstrous tantrums. When he came to the age where he could communicate and understand our verbal instructions, about 1.5 yrs old, the cane came into play on a couple of occasions. And I mean a couple, not more. He was caned once for repeatedly playing with the electrical socket despite several continuous warnings from us. He was also caned once for throwing a tantrum even though he was in the wrong and we kept asking him to stop crying. It broke my heart that he howled with pain after the cane landed on his calf. After he calmed down, we explained why he was caned. From then on, he remembered that he couldn't touch the socket and he tries very hard to remember not to throw tantrums. When he forgets, we bring out the cane. Then he remembers, without us having to cane him. Most times, caning the sofa will bring back his memories of pain suffered when he was young.
With Keane, I find that it's a very different story, simply because Keane has a high threshold for pain. He has been caned a few times but he doesn't seem to feel the pain. That doesn't stop him from howling when we cane him. But his cries can stop on and start on demand. He will stop immediately when he notices something interesting on TV and then starts again when commercials come on. We suspect he's manipulative and cry to get sympathy. I tried sparing the rod with him and I think it works better although my hubby would beg to differ. I praise Keane for doing good things. I can see that he is more willing to listen when he is praised. Of course, he manipulates me more since I'm the softie. He makes me give him goodies. He makes me take out toys from out of reach places for him more often than the other adults in the family. Would he learn the hard way or the easy way? I have no answer till today because he is still misbehaving sometimes. He has shown tremendous improvement in discipline and that in itself is good enough for me.
How should I handle Ryan? I have no idea and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Am I a bad parent? I don't know and I won't judge myself.
Quote for the week:
A person is like a book, he shouldn't be judged by its cover and you should read it cover to cover before making any review.
Listen to the voice of a mother of three who would like to share her thoughts and experiences of being a mother of 3 boisterous boys in the small city of Singapore.... Disclaimer: read at your own risk and learn from my mistakes.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The sun will always shine.....
Time flies. It's already past mid February and I feel as if I've barely achieved much. I think it's a feeling shared by many people, especially working mothers.
Singapore is facing a declining birth rate and the government is trying to encourage citizens to have more babies. In fact, it's been several years since these efforts began. Why is it that we still don't see a boom? I believe there are many reasons for this phenomena in Singapore.
There are couples who feel that children are too big a responsibility to shoulder. I agree that children are a huge responsibility. Like some Chinese would say "生孩子容易，养孩子不简单". Simply put, it's easy to give birth to a children but no easy feat to bring one up. A parent needs to provide for his child's emotional, social and physiological needs - for at least 20 years. Some people are not prepared to give so much to another being for so long. You might call it selfish. But at least they make the decision up front and do not have a child who is soon forsaken or neglected, even worse, abused.
My heart aches whenever I read about parental abuse of children. I wonder how parents in their right minds can bring about any form of suffering to their flesh and blood. For isn't that what a child is? The very flesh and blood of his parents? It's a miracle for a child to be conceived and develop from a minuscule zygote to a baby. Life in itself is a miracle and for a parent to abuse that miracle is inhumane.
Other couples feel that it is too expensive to bring up a child in Singapore and often stop at one baby. Is it society's fault, as often pointed out by many people? Why blame society? No one is forced to buy OshKosh or Baby Gap for their kids. No one is forced to send their kids to the most expensive child care centers. No one is forced to buy expensive toys for their children every weekend. Why then do people still do that? Not everyone can afford to give their children a luxurious lifestyle but those who can will say that they want to give the best they can to their children. What is the best for our children? A luxurious lifestyle or a balanced lifestyle filled with love and care? Some parents will give their children a lot of material things and I suspect, like me, they feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children. Do we sacrifice quality time with our children to pursue a career or an activity filled personal life? This has a lot to do with individual values.
As a working person, I have a responsibility towards my company to give my best. But it has to be within limits. How do I handle that? I give my all during the week. I work long hours and try to squeeze in a couple of hours with my kids when I reach home, before I hit the laptop again. Sometimes I just put the laptop aside and take a rest. When it is the weekend, all my time is spent with my children, except for the occasional facial that I allow myself. I think being able to maintain a healthy balance not only ensures quality time is spent with children without sacrificing work responsibilities, it also maintains my sanity. It also helps to be up front with your company and it helps a great deal to have an understanding boss. I'm blessed to work in a company that believes in employees maintaining a balanced lifestyle and having a boss who knows what it is like to be a working parent with 3 young children.
Being a parent doesn't mean equating your life to your child's. That would be a mistake which would make everyone miserable. Some parents lose themselves during their journey in parenthood and when their children grow up, they cannot find themselves anymore and lose their purpose in life. That is sad. I try to remember that I am me, myself and Clara. I try to do things which gives me my own personal space. Reading, an occasional meal with a good friend, reading the papers, even driving to work alone. These are activities which give me my personal space. It helps me keep in mind that my life is more than just my work and kids.
How do I manage that? I think the key is to LET GO. Let go of the guilt that I cannot be with my children 24x7. Let go of the type A nature inherent in most parents and leave it to the next best caregiver you can find for your children if you have to work or be away from them. Let go of the worries and learn to look at the bigger picture. That doesn't mean you don't give two hoots about things that happen to your child. You just need to look at the important things. I'm blessed with a domestic helper who is responsible and loving. She helps me take good care of my sons. Does she take care of them the way I would if I were to be a stay home mom? No. Does she have a good command of the English language? No. Does she keep the house totally spick and span? No. Is she a fantastic cook? No. Why then do I still employ her? Does she love my sons? Yes. Does she make sure they have their meals on time when I'm not home? Yes. Does she put them to sleep at their bedtimes? Yes. Does she make sure we all have clean clothes to wear? Yes. Does she make sure we have our dinner when we come home from work? Yes. Does she try her best? Yes.
It's not possible to find that perfect caregiver, whether it is a domestic helper, a grandparent, a childcare teacher or a nanny. But it is possible to manage our expectations. The higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. I don't expect much so I don't get disappointed often. How can I be happy? Why not? My kids are healthy, happy and absolutely darling. Xavier can be a crybaby at times. Keane is an absolute nightmare who throws the champion of tantrums. Ryan demands to be carried most of the time and cannot keep his hands off anything within reach. Are they perfect? YES. As cliched as it may sound, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have them. They have made me stronger, more understanding, more patient and more tolerant. They made me realize that it is possible to be the most important person in someone's life, even if it were till they find another love in life. They made me realize that I can be someone another being can be dependent on.
Quote for the week:
A parent should be a lifeguard. Allow the swimmer to show off his own stroke but be always ready to come to the rescue at any sign of a call for help.
Singapore is facing a declining birth rate and the government is trying to encourage citizens to have more babies. In fact, it's been several years since these efforts began. Why is it that we still don't see a boom? I believe there are many reasons for this phenomena in Singapore.
There are couples who feel that children are too big a responsibility to shoulder. I agree that children are a huge responsibility. Like some Chinese would say "生孩子容易，养孩子不简单". Simply put, it's easy to give birth to a children but no easy feat to bring one up. A parent needs to provide for his child's emotional, social and physiological needs - for at least 20 years. Some people are not prepared to give so much to another being for so long. You might call it selfish. But at least they make the decision up front and do not have a child who is soon forsaken or neglected, even worse, abused.
My heart aches whenever I read about parental abuse of children. I wonder how parents in their right minds can bring about any form of suffering to their flesh and blood. For isn't that what a child is? The very flesh and blood of his parents? It's a miracle for a child to be conceived and develop from a minuscule zygote to a baby. Life in itself is a miracle and for a parent to abuse that miracle is inhumane.
Other couples feel that it is too expensive to bring up a child in Singapore and often stop at one baby. Is it society's fault, as often pointed out by many people? Why blame society? No one is forced to buy OshKosh or Baby Gap for their kids. No one is forced to send their kids to the most expensive child care centers. No one is forced to buy expensive toys for their children every weekend. Why then do people still do that? Not everyone can afford to give their children a luxurious lifestyle but those who can will say that they want to give the best they can to their children. What is the best for our children? A luxurious lifestyle or a balanced lifestyle filled with love and care? Some parents will give their children a lot of material things and I suspect, like me, they feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children. Do we sacrifice quality time with our children to pursue a career or an activity filled personal life? This has a lot to do with individual values.
As a working person, I have a responsibility towards my company to give my best. But it has to be within limits. How do I handle that? I give my all during the week. I work long hours and try to squeeze in a couple of hours with my kids when I reach home, before I hit the laptop again. Sometimes I just put the laptop aside and take a rest. When it is the weekend, all my time is spent with my children, except for the occasional facial that I allow myself. I think being able to maintain a healthy balance not only ensures quality time is spent with children without sacrificing work responsibilities, it also maintains my sanity. It also helps to be up front with your company and it helps a great deal to have an understanding boss. I'm blessed to work in a company that believes in employees maintaining a balanced lifestyle and having a boss who knows what it is like to be a working parent with 3 young children.
Being a parent doesn't mean equating your life to your child's. That would be a mistake which would make everyone miserable. Some parents lose themselves during their journey in parenthood and when their children grow up, they cannot find themselves anymore and lose their purpose in life. That is sad. I try to remember that I am me, myself and Clara. I try to do things which gives me my own personal space. Reading, an occasional meal with a good friend, reading the papers, even driving to work alone. These are activities which give me my personal space. It helps me keep in mind that my life is more than just my work and kids.
How do I manage that? I think the key is to LET GO. Let go of the guilt that I cannot be with my children 24x7. Let go of the type A nature inherent in most parents and leave it to the next best caregiver you can find for your children if you have to work or be away from them. Let go of the worries and learn to look at the bigger picture. That doesn't mean you don't give two hoots about things that happen to your child. You just need to look at the important things. I'm blessed with a domestic helper who is responsible and loving. She helps me take good care of my sons. Does she take care of them the way I would if I were to be a stay home mom? No. Does she have a good command of the English language? No. Does she keep the house totally spick and span? No. Is she a fantastic cook? No. Why then do I still employ her? Does she love my sons? Yes. Does she make sure they have their meals on time when I'm not home? Yes. Does she put them to sleep at their bedtimes? Yes. Does she make sure we all have clean clothes to wear? Yes. Does she make sure we have our dinner when we come home from work? Yes. Does she try her best? Yes.
It's not possible to find that perfect caregiver, whether it is a domestic helper, a grandparent, a childcare teacher or a nanny. But it is possible to manage our expectations. The higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. I don't expect much so I don't get disappointed often. How can I be happy? Why not? My kids are healthy, happy and absolutely darling. Xavier can be a crybaby at times. Keane is an absolute nightmare who throws the champion of tantrums. Ryan demands to be carried most of the time and cannot keep his hands off anything within reach. Are they perfect? YES. As cliched as it may sound, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have them. They have made me stronger, more understanding, more patient and more tolerant. They made me realize that it is possible to be the most important person in someone's life, even if it were till they find another love in life. They made me realize that I can be someone another being can be dependent on.
Quote for the week:
A parent should be a lifeguard. Allow the swimmer to show off his own stroke but be always ready to come to the rescue at any sign of a call for help.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
INSPIRATION.....
Here's the link to Shin's cancer blog.....if it doesn't work, do a search for shin's cancer blog....
http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com/
I've never read her blog although I've seen her in the news....after reading it, I'm even more inspired to continue with my blog and I want to make this something that I can leave for my children, hubby and friends. A piece of me which will be there.....
I'd like to share something about my children...I call them my 3 monstrous musketeers.....Xavier (5), Keane (3) and Ryan (9 mths).
My lovely boys are the joy of my life. I can go on and on about them so there you have my source for going on with blogging.
Something sweet and funny that Xavier said:
Xavier: Mummy, I want a mei-mei (little sister)....
Me: Who's going to look after mei-mei?
Xavier: I'll look after mei-mei and Keane will look after Ryan. But please stop after that otherwise there will be too many children (in our family).....
On another occasion:
Xavier: Mummy, when I am six and Keane is four and Ryan is two, can we have a mei-mei?
I wonder why my son's asking me for a little sister. He probably wants to balance the sexes in our family.
I can't share much about what Keane says as he is still focusing on physical development rather than speech. But here's one that's bound to bring on a smile. My mom has a habit of saying "call me" when she meets Keane, in an effort to teach him manners in her own way. So he is used to saying "po po" (granny) in response.
Conversation between Keane and hubby:
Dad: Call me...
Keane: po po
Dad: Call ME...
Keane: po po
Dad (exasperated): no...call me Daddy.
Keane: Daddy
Dad: call me
Keane: po po
This is a classic example of the dangers of teaching by rote. I have to help me unlearn the rote answer to the request "call me". Maybe it's simpler if we just not make that request to him. His life is quite complicated as it is.
I think I know where this will go and I will see if I can continue in this direction......
I seriously have to think of how to improve the look of this blog. For now it will have to be character being more important than looks, or content more important than cover.
http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com/
I've never read her blog although I've seen her in the news....after reading it, I'm even more inspired to continue with my blog and I want to make this something that I can leave for my children, hubby and friends. A piece of me which will be there.....
I'd like to share something about my children...I call them my 3 monstrous musketeers.....Xavier (5), Keane (3) and Ryan (9 mths).
My lovely boys are the joy of my life. I can go on and on about them so there you have my source for going on with blogging.
Something sweet and funny that Xavier said:
Xavier: Mummy, I want a mei-mei (little sister)....
Me: Who's going to look after mei-mei?
Xavier: I'll look after mei-mei and Keane will look after Ryan. But please stop after that otherwise there will be too many children (in our family).....
On another occasion:
Xavier: Mummy, when I am six and Keane is four and Ryan is two, can we have a mei-mei?
I wonder why my son's asking me for a little sister. He probably wants to balance the sexes in our family.
I can't share much about what Keane says as he is still focusing on physical development rather than speech. But here's one that's bound to bring on a smile. My mom has a habit of saying "call me" when she meets Keane, in an effort to teach him manners in her own way. So he is used to saying "po po" (granny) in response.
Conversation between Keane and hubby:
Dad: Call me...
Keane: po po
Dad: Call ME...
Keane: po po
Dad (exasperated): no...call me Daddy.
Keane: Daddy
Dad: call me
Keane: po po
This is a classic example of the dangers of teaching by rote. I have to help me unlearn the rote answer to the request "call me". Maybe it's simpler if we just not make that request to him. His life is quite complicated as it is.
I think I know where this will go and I will see if I can continue in this direction......
I seriously have to think of how to improve the look of this blog. For now it will have to be character being more important than looks, or content more important than cover.
THE WEEKEND IS HERE!!!!
The weekend is finally here....I wonder where time went. It is now February 2009 and it seems only yesterday that I was enjoying my year end holidays. Maybe I just simply had too long a holiday which extended beyond 2008....
I am still undecided on how my blog should work out. Some people blog to share their personal life. Some people blog to share ideas. Some people blog to earn money. I wonder if it is possible to combine all the good stuff.....I mean would anyone pay you for sharing your personal life online? I mean, if I were David Beckham or Brad Pitt, sure, who wouldn't pay me right?
I'll just go with the flow and see what I can come up with. But I think the gist is that some time later, when I'm old and wrinkly, I can look back and have a good laugh. Or my future generations may have a look and find out what kind of person I am or used to be.
I was inspired to blog when I saw a program on a lady Shin who started her cancer blog. She was battling cancer and decided to start a blog and I think her life inspired many people. I will try to find her blog and see if I can create a link to it. I'm not technically savvy but I'll try to do it anyway. Maybe after I read her blog I may be inspired.....
Till then, here's cheers to the weekend!
Quote for the weekend:
You may end up in cow dung and think you are in trouble but cow dung is fertilizer for lovely roses and that's what you may emerge as, smelling of roses, if you'd only let the dung fertilize you.
I am still undecided on how my blog should work out. Some people blog to share their personal life. Some people blog to share ideas. Some people blog to earn money. I wonder if it is possible to combine all the good stuff.....I mean would anyone pay you for sharing your personal life online? I mean, if I were David Beckham or Brad Pitt, sure, who wouldn't pay me right?
I'll just go with the flow and see what I can come up with. But I think the gist is that some time later, when I'm old and wrinkly, I can look back and have a good laugh. Or my future generations may have a look and find out what kind of person I am or used to be.
I was inspired to blog when I saw a program on a lady Shin who started her cancer blog. She was battling cancer and decided to start a blog and I think her life inspired many people. I will try to find her blog and see if I can create a link to it. I'm not technically savvy but I'll try to do it anyway. Maybe after I read her blog I may be inspired.....
Till then, here's cheers to the weekend!
Quote for the weekend:
You may end up in cow dung and think you are in trouble but cow dung is fertilizer for lovely roses and that's what you may emerge as, smelling of roses, if you'd only let the dung fertilize you.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I WANT TO BLOG!!!!!
A friend told me that is good to start with an attention grabber.....I didn't think it wise to put something rude on the title so I just tried to shout my thought....
This is my first blog entry.....frankly, I don't know why I decided to start a blog. I always thought that it's kinda strange to write your personal thoughts online and let strangers read them. I guess I'm going through a mid-life crisis.....what the heck.
Blogging is the trend now.....but I'm nothing close to being trendy. I am probably one of those slackers who is starting at a time when blogging is losing its popularity....is it?
Do I think I will have the patience to carry on blogging in the long term? Doubt it. But hey, we all live once so why not give everything, well almost, a shot, eh? Here's my shot in capturing my voice....or my thoughts if you want to be literal about it.
I guess it is only fair to the readers, if I have any, to introduce myself.....NAH....not yet anyway.
So why am I blogging?....I guess I always felt that I have this knack for putting my thoughts into words. I used to be flowery in my words but then business writing took over and then it's being PC, shooting arrows tactically, block arrows, emerging from shit smelling like roses and all that.....so I think I've lost half my skills.....So here I am trying to improve my literary skills. I think it's my chance to leave my legacy somewhere in the world.....when I was a kid, I used to think of life as a canvas board and everyone leaves their mark when they pass through life. And boy did I want to make sure my mark will be colorful. Have I succeeded? I sure had an outrageous life so far (it's too dangerous to reveal too many deep dark secrets here) but I'm far from leaving my colorful mark. So I guess this blog may help a little.....
I'm going to share some of my principles in life as a start (of course some are inspired by people I know, used to know and may never know):
1) Always wear nice underwear - you'll never know when you need to end up in hospital and have strangers start handling you...wouldn't want anyone seeing you in auntie-undies or granny pants....
2) Try not to step on anybody's toes cos they may be connected to the bottoms you'd have to kiss in future.
3) Don't think that you are better than your boss. If you are, you will be his boss.
4) What goes round comes around, so don't throw sh*t at others unless you know they are covered in superglue. Heck, even superglue cannot hold sh*t....any ideas? Just don't dish out sh*t.
5) Never use words which you won't literally put into your mouth, e.g. sh*t, cr*p, etc.....but no one will stop you if you want to be a rebel without a cause.
6) Never never be the cog that jams the mechanism of the clock tower.
7) If you have kids and the kids grow up to be bad, remember it's the parents' fault for being poor teachers. If the kids grow up to be good, it's their credit for being good students.
8) No matter how hard you try, you can always do better.......tomorrow.
9) Tomorrow may never come.
10) Don't try to be funny if you don't have a funny bone. If no one laughs, you don't have it.
That's today's attempt at humour. Till tomorrow.....
This is my first blog entry.....frankly, I don't know why I decided to start a blog. I always thought that it's kinda strange to write your personal thoughts online and let strangers read them. I guess I'm going through a mid-life crisis.....what the heck.
Blogging is the trend now.....but I'm nothing close to being trendy. I am probably one of those slackers who is starting at a time when blogging is losing its popularity....is it?
Do I think I will have the patience to carry on blogging in the long term? Doubt it. But hey, we all live once so why not give everything, well almost, a shot, eh? Here's my shot in capturing my voice....or my thoughts if you want to be literal about it.
I guess it is only fair to the readers, if I have any, to introduce myself.....NAH....not yet anyway.
So why am I blogging?....I guess I always felt that I have this knack for putting my thoughts into words. I used to be flowery in my words but then business writing took over and then it's being PC, shooting arrows tactically, block arrows, emerging from shit smelling like roses and all that.....so I think I've lost half my skills.....So here I am trying to improve my literary skills. I think it's my chance to leave my legacy somewhere in the world.....when I was a kid, I used to think of life as a canvas board and everyone leaves their mark when they pass through life. And boy did I want to make sure my mark will be colorful. Have I succeeded? I sure had an outrageous life so far (it's too dangerous to reveal too many deep dark secrets here) but I'm far from leaving my colorful mark. So I guess this blog may help a little.....
I'm going to share some of my principles in life as a start (of course some are inspired by people I know, used to know and may never know):
1) Always wear nice underwear - you'll never know when you need to end up in hospital and have strangers start handling you...wouldn't want anyone seeing you in auntie-undies or granny pants....
2) Try not to step on anybody's toes cos they may be connected to the bottoms you'd have to kiss in future.
3) Don't think that you are better than your boss. If you are, you will be his boss.
4) What goes round comes around, so don't throw sh*t at others unless you know they are covered in superglue. Heck, even superglue cannot hold sh*t....any ideas? Just don't dish out sh*t.
5) Never use words which you won't literally put into your mouth, e.g. sh*t, cr*p, etc.....but no one will stop you if you want to be a rebel without a cause.
6) Never never be the cog that jams the mechanism of the clock tower.
7) If you have kids and the kids grow up to be bad, remember it's the parents' fault for being poor teachers. If the kids grow up to be good, it's their credit for being good students.
8) No matter how hard you try, you can always do better.......tomorrow.
9) Tomorrow may never come.
10) Don't try to be funny if you don't have a funny bone. If no one laughs, you don't have it.
That's today's attempt at humour. Till tomorrow.....
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