Time flies. It's already past mid February and I feel as if I've barely achieved much. I think it's a feeling shared by many people, especially working mothers.
Singapore is facing a declining birth rate and the government is trying to encourage citizens to have more babies. In fact, it's been several years since these efforts began. Why is it that we still don't see a boom? I believe there are many reasons for this phenomena in Singapore.
There are couples who feel that children are too big a responsibility to shoulder. I agree that children are a huge responsibility. Like some Chinese would say "生孩子容易，养孩子不简单". Simply put, it's easy to give birth to a children but no easy feat to bring one up. A parent needs to provide for his child's emotional, social and physiological needs - for at least 20 years. Some people are not prepared to give so much to another being for so long. You might call it selfish. But at least they make the decision up front and do not have a child who is soon forsaken or neglected, even worse, abused.
My heart aches whenever I read about parental abuse of children. I wonder how parents in their right minds can bring about any form of suffering to their flesh and blood. For isn't that what a child is? The very flesh and blood of his parents? It's a miracle for a child to be conceived and develop from a minuscule zygote to a baby. Life in itself is a miracle and for a parent to abuse that miracle is inhumane.
Other couples feel that it is too expensive to bring up a child in Singapore and often stop at one baby. Is it society's fault, as often pointed out by many people? Why blame society? No one is forced to buy OshKosh or Baby Gap for their kids. No one is forced to send their kids to the most expensive child care centers. No one is forced to buy expensive toys for their children every weekend. Why then do people still do that? Not everyone can afford to give their children a luxurious lifestyle but those who can will say that they want to give the best they can to their children. What is the best for our children? A luxurious lifestyle or a balanced lifestyle filled with love and care? Some parents will give their children a lot of material things and I suspect, like me, they feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children. Do we sacrifice quality time with our children to pursue a career or an activity filled personal life? This has a lot to do with individual values.
As a working person, I have a responsibility towards my company to give my best. But it has to be within limits. How do I handle that? I give my all during the week. I work long hours and try to squeeze in a couple of hours with my kids when I reach home, before I hit the laptop again. Sometimes I just put the laptop aside and take a rest. When it is the weekend, all my time is spent with my children, except for the occasional facial that I allow myself. I think being able to maintain a healthy balance not only ensures quality time is spent with children without sacrificing work responsibilities, it also maintains my sanity. It also helps to be up front with your company and it helps a great deal to have an understanding boss. I'm blessed to work in a company that believes in employees maintaining a balanced lifestyle and having a boss who knows what it is like to be a working parent with 3 young children.
Being a parent doesn't mean equating your life to your child's. That would be a mistake which would make everyone miserable. Some parents lose themselves during their journey in parenthood and when their children grow up, they cannot find themselves anymore and lose their purpose in life. That is sad. I try to remember that I am me, myself and Clara. I try to do things which gives me my own personal space. Reading, an occasional meal with a good friend, reading the papers, even driving to work alone. These are activities which give me my personal space. It helps me keep in mind that my life is more than just my work and kids.
How do I manage that? I think the key is to LET GO. Let go of the guilt that I cannot be with my children 24x7. Let go of the type A nature inherent in most parents and leave it to the next best caregiver you can find for your children if you have to work or be away from them. Let go of the worries and learn to look at the bigger picture. That doesn't mean you don't give two hoots about things that happen to your child. You just need to look at the important things. I'm blessed with a domestic helper who is responsible and loving. She helps me take good care of my sons. Does she take care of them the way I would if I were to be a stay home mom? No. Does she have a good command of the English language? No. Does she keep the house totally spick and span? No. Is she a fantastic cook? No. Why then do I still employ her? Does she love my sons? Yes. Does she make sure they have their meals on time when I'm not home? Yes. Does she put them to sleep at their bedtimes? Yes. Does she make sure we all have clean clothes to wear? Yes. Does she make sure we have our dinner when we come home from work? Yes. Does she try her best? Yes.
It's not possible to find that perfect caregiver, whether it is a domestic helper, a grandparent, a childcare teacher or a nanny. But it is possible to manage our expectations. The higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. I don't expect much so I don't get disappointed often. How can I be happy? Why not? My kids are healthy, happy and absolutely darling. Xavier can be a crybaby at times. Keane is an absolute nightmare who throws the champion of tantrums. Ryan demands to be carried most of the time and cannot keep his hands off anything within reach. Are they perfect? YES. As cliched as it may sound, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have them. They have made me stronger, more understanding, more patient and more tolerant. They made me realize that it is possible to be the most important person in someone's life, even if it were till they find another love in life. They made me realize that I can be someone another being can be dependent on.
Quote for the week:
A parent should be a lifeguard. Allow the swimmer to show off his own stroke but be always ready to come to the rescue at any sign of a call for help.
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